Snow Globes (Linus Part II)

Good news!
Everything I'm reading in this book about Linus I've found I've already intuitively been incorporating into Linus' routines every day here and there, and now all I need to do is solidify my plan to do it all the time and stick to it to see if it works. The other good news is that I'm fairly sure the progress he has made is because of the things I've already been doing. I'm excited and happy and love my little boy all the more for it.
The best way to describe him is like this: most kids are looking through the world through different lenses and things get more clear and in focus as they get older- they understand things, they no longer need that lens and move on to something new. Linus is not looking through a lens, but a snow globe.  He looks through it all day and when he's able to decipher what it is he wants while looking through it, he understands things and he cooperates and he's not a problem. Occasionally, though, he can't figure it out and so he moves the snow globe around (representing getting frustrated) thinking it will help, and a snow globe is all he's got so it's all he knows how to see through. Well suddenly the little flecks of snow in the water get jostled and it's harder to see. So he shakes it more and it erupts into a giant flurry and suddenly whatever he was looking at through the glass is completely smothered and he keeps shaking it and shaking it because he wants to see what everyone else is seeing on the other side. Eventually he stops and things calm down and he realizes that he shouldn't have shaken it and that it's a lot easier to see without all the snow (frustration and inflexibility) floating around. Then something new happens and everyone else picks up their lens to decipher it and he picks up his snow globe again. And the process repeats itself. So now MY job is to help him hold the snow globe so he can see what he wants on the other side for him. I hold it, he looks through it, we work together. Someday, he will put the snow globe down and pick something else up, but for right now, he needs to be walked through it.
Right now, what both Craig and I need to full acknowledge and accept is that what works for most kids will not work for him. Being firm and giving consequences when Chloe does something we don't want her to do works for her, she stops the undesirable behavior and she is able to cope with it. For right now, really evaluating what things he needs to change and what things are too picky is essential. For example:
Chloe: Mom, can I sit in your chair this morning for breakfast?
Me: Not today, Chloe, it's easier for me if you sit over there for right now so you can finish breakfast quickly and we can get to school on time, okay?
Chloe: But MOM!! I really don't want to sit in my seat today, I want to sit in YOURS!
Me: Chloe, if you can't listen to Mommy, I will have to send you up to your room and then you'll have even less time to eat, is that what you want?
Chloe: No
Me: Then please do as Mommy asks and sit in your own chair.
Chloe: Okay

:::

Linus: Mom, can I sit in your chair this morning for breakfast?
Me: (evaluating the inconvenience of a slower breakfast eating against the possibility of a giant fit- I then ask myself which will take more time, a slow breakfast or calming down a volcanic eruption of a fit: slow breakfast wins) I think so, Linus, but I have a concern.
Linus: What?
Me: We need to get out the door quickly and I'm worried that if you sit in Mommy's chair, you will be distracted by your sister and the things on the counter behind you. How do you think we can solve this problem?
Linus:....I don't know.
Me: I have some ideas, can I share them with you?
Linus: Yep
Me: How about you can sit in Mommy's chair and I will set a timer. If you're not done with breakfast by the time the timer goes off, you move back to your chair so you can finish.
Linus: Okay

Fit avoided. In order for him to learn flexibility, I have to model it. The more I work through things with him and take the time and effort to do it, the more he'll realize that a snow globe is probably not the easiest way to see the world and he'll let go of it. Eventually. It's a life changing sort of thing.
But I'm accepting it right now. If it backfires on me and doesn't work, we'll try something else. But point being I think he'll be okay in the end. And if I have to learn a bunch more patience for that to happen, I suppose that will be okay. :-)

Blowing the top

I've started about ten different posts concerning Linus that I've never finished because they always end up sounding so negative, but today is the day I'm going to put this out there.
Linus has a problem. I think I can officially say that it's not just his age, it's not just when he's tired, it's not just when he's hungry, it's not because he ate red food die today, it's not because he had too much sugar, he has something that I'm fairly certain he has absolutely no control over. Yes, he is maturing a little bit as time goes by, but in my opinion, not enough.
Am I exasperated? Of course I am. We have an insanely busy schedule, and while I don't necessarily feel like I can't handle his fits anymore, I do wish that I could spend more time helping him and that I had a little more cushion room when he has a problem and I can't give him the time that he would otherwise need to overcome his issues without throwing an explosive tantrum.
I was referred to a book, recently, called "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene. I was going to check it out from the library, but kept not finding the time to get over there, so I finally felt prompted to go ahead and buy it on my Kindle. Within minutes of reading it, I was in tears because it describes Linus to a T. I have never gotten him looked at, mostly because I don't feel like he fit  any of the typical diagnoses for his symptoms. He had all the negative parts of everything without anything else and I was afraid that a therapist would look at him and use those symptoms to diagnose him something as a best guess. This book describes kids who have a "learning gap" with anger, frustration, and flexibility, much like a child might have a learning gap in reading or math. Some of the kids he describes are much older and much worse than Linus, but the same basic principles he's dealing with apply. Inability to change quickly, inability to stop a tantrum once it starts (like it ALWAYS goes 0 to a 100 in two seconds flat with no brakes every time), taking out his feelings by hitting, screaming, and destroying anything in sight, including some of his favorite toys sometimes he's so mad, then a short time later completely calm again and remorseful, like he just didn't know why it came over him. I've been really strict with a sticker chart for good behavior and a list of clear consequences for specific bad behaviors we've been doing the last couple of weeks. While the sticker charts have helped motivate him to do things like cleaning his room or picking up toys more frequently (but honestly, he's always been better than doing things like that than Chloe), it hasn't changed the things I want it to change one bit. I go through anywhere from 3-10 giant tantrums in a day, and there's no real rhyme or reason to how to get them to stop. However, there are some "triggers" that pretty consistently set him off, so now I am on a mission to research and record what sets him off more than others, keep track of it, and then study what paths I can take to help him overcome it. I basically have to teach him the skill of flexibility and frustration control: something that most kids learn without instruction, but just as you would intervene and help a child with their gaps at school, I must do this for Linus and his emotions. He's already motivated to do good, he wants to be a good boy, I have no doubt about that, he physically cannot control it sometimes, so I get to help him learn how to do that.
At least that's what I'm going to try to do and see how that helps. We may or may not have a lot of changes coming up if Craig gets a new job somewhere, and I want to get a better handle on him and at the very least, find something that will start helping him. Move in the right direction.
And although it's been hard, I wouldn't trade him for the world. I am mostly opposed to medicating him because I would not want to sacrifice his interesting and wonderful personality for his less desirable qualities. He is a smart and determined kid and I know he really is going to move mountains someday. Thankfully I'm blessed with that knowledge because I'm a mom. :-)

Monumental

I'm here to celebrate something on the blog very exciting.
A breaking point in dear Chloe's 6 year old life. And I am SO proud of her. Not in a "wow, she got a check plus on her coloring sheet" kind of proud, like life is going to change for our family someday kind of proud.
But first, a little history.
Chloe has, for a long long long long long time, been petrified of dogs. Screaming, scrambling up the closest adult as fast as she can, crying hysterically kind of scared. Everything about them freaked her out, even little ones. She would decline going to friends' houses if they had dogs, even if she really wanted to play with them. She would wait on the sidewalk on Halloween at each house so she wouldn't encounter any dogs. It was so sad. No matter how often I sat her down, hugged her, told her as directly and lovingly as I could that I would never, EVER let her near a dog that would hurt her and that many dogs were nice, or that licking was their way of saying hello, or that barking meant they were warning their owners and not that they were going to bite, she wouldn't budge on the matter. Once we were at a graduation party at a friend's house and there was a dog and she scrambled up me, screaming and hollering as loud as she could and sat there for the WHOLE TWO HOURS we were there. Her friends were running around the backyard having fun and she sat there crying and shaking the whole time we were there until we finally had to go. I felt so bad for her and never really understood why, it was just a thing with her.
Well a couple of weekends ago she was invited to a friend's house who had 3 dogs. I knew this ahead of time. She had been looking forward to this for a while, and so before she was picked up to go to her friend's house, I asked her if she knew they had dogs. She said that she did. I asked her if she was okay with that. She flinched a little, then said she was going to try to be brave. I reassured her that the dogs were super nice and that she could be brave, and she agreed. Amazingly, only the big dog they had to put away while she was there, the two little chihuahuas she got accustomed to. And even pet a little (!!!!). I hardly believed it, even little dogs I knew she had a big problem with, but from what I understood, she was okay with the little ones while she was there. WHOOOOO!!! Celebrate. I gave her a big hug and congratulated her, and she seemed proud of her accomplishment.
But that's not the end. The other day at soccer practice a dog on a leash ran up to her, and she held my hand questionably, but then the dog left and she didn't scream at all. (!!!!!) Then on the soccer field again, a woman with a small dog was standing near by, and Chloe actually came up to me and asked me if we could go over so she could pet the dog. (!!!!!!) She did, and even though the dog was a puppy and nipped at her a little, she didn't seem to mind. Both of those instances were also small dogs, but again, BIG steps forward.
Then today, a friend of ours from church brought his larger boxer dog with him to pick up his son from Chloe's class after school. Chloe has been to their house before and the dog had to be put away while she was there because she was too hysterical around him, even though he's super mellow and a great dog. We were getting ready to leave and Chloe saw the dog with her friend's dad, and she yanked on my hand a little and sweetly asked, "Mom, can we go pet the dog?"
Seriously?!?!?!?
"Ah, yes, Chloe, are you sure? Are you ready to pet a bigger dog?"
"Yes I am."
And we went over. And she pet the dog, even though he was wagging his tail and licking the faces of all the kids around him. And she loved it.
I was ecstatic.
Cause you know what this means?
We are now officially cleared to get a dog when we have our own place.
Yeah buddy.
This is what I want:

Aw....see, he's waiting to be part of our family, I know it!
Chloe approves.