What makes you happy?

Forgive my detour to a personal matter here, but this question has been on my mind a lot lately and I want to share some of the experiences I've had with it. I hope my kids will read this someday and that it will mean something to them when they need it.
Since moving to Arizona, my entire world has been turned upside down. I've been in denial about that for a while, but talking about it and coming out about it a little more has helped me cope with it and I've learned a lot of really surprising things about myself. I've always considered myself a strong person, with faults yes, but generally accepting, generally adaptable, generally able to cope with a lot of things. I sincerely saw coming out here as an exciting adventure and I was determined to make it so whether I actually felt that way about it or not once moving here. I felt like things would surely get easier in Arizona. Once being here, however, I quickly started realizing that I don't know squat about myself.
Firstly, I realized that yes, things have certainly slowed down since moving out here, but that did not automatically make things easier as I was so sure they would become. I've looked at work and keeping busy as getting in the way of my "real" life, whatever the heck that is, and it took moving out here to realize that sometimes work and busy-ness IS real life, and without it we lose a bit of our grounding. I did, and it has taken until now to admit that it really knocked the wind out of me.
Secondly, I did not realize that my supposed assumption of my "strength" may have had more pride associated with it than I was willing to acknowledge. I was very comfortable with life in Colorado, and I somehow associated that with my earning stability through trials or hardships (supposed, as they be). I was sure we would come out here and just jump in and save a bunch of souls and help so many people and if I looked closely enough in that image, I saw the concourses thanking me and praising me and I'm ashamed to realize that I think I actually thought that was going to happen, and not only that, I was expecting it, subconsciously, and that was actually sustaining me a little. Thank goodness those legs have been knocked clear off of me now, because clearly that has not been the case for our family since moving here. Maybe someday we will help some people here, and we will make a difference, but heaven help me if I do it because I want to be remembered. More likely it will happen by a fluke when I'm focused on the things that SHOULD really make me happy...
Here's what I have come to accept about my "new" self in Arizona (or uncovered what's always really been there but never opened myself up to...). I depended on a lot of things that I no longer have here. There's no Target within reasonable driving distance when I "need" something only Target can offer on a day I'm feeling down and go peruse their clean, red and white isles of pleasure. There's no Panera Bread when I want to sneak a bread-bowl of soup on a cold day. There are no giant trees in my backyard to sit under and watch the yellow leaves drift off of in the chilly fall air (can ya tell I'm missing fall here??). A lot of the things that I took for granted in CO were really monetary, superficial, and did not help me a lick in our transition to AZ. At all. And it really got me asking the question: well what makes me really happy?
If I knew myself as well as I thought I did, there should have been no reason for me to be unhappy here, and yet here I was day after day, not changing into real clothes, not leaving the house, but not cleaning it either (I may point out that actually quite a bit of this may have to do with the fact that I am pregnant and the tumult of hormones and nausea didn't help anything a whole lot...), suddenly realizing Craig would be home soon each evening and I had nothing to show for the day. I tried to find comfort in prayer, church, and scriptures, but even that was getting more and more difficult to sustain any more than a fleeting moment here and there (although I think those moments kept me swinging one day to the next and hanging on anyway). Here I KNEW that I had had so many wonderful experiences in the church that brought me times of great joy and peace and comfort and happiness, but I just wasn't getting it here. Maybe God's radio signal didn't reach us out in Kingman. And yet I refused to believe in the back of my head that coming out here wasn't what we were supposed to do, I still felt like there was a reason for us to be here and refused to think that we made the wrong choice. Still refusing. And I'm starting to think it's working.
Tonight I went to check on my girls in their room. The last few months have been really rough on all of us, not just me or Craig, the kids too. For some strange reason we have been sick almost every weekend for the last 6-8 weeks I'm sure (not exaggerating THAT much, it's been around that many weeks!). Someone pukes. Someone gets a weird rash. Someone has a fever from 102-104 again. Someone has snot pouring out of their nose and a hacking cough. Most of these have been combined through various members of our family, and most of it experienced by me as well through each wave since I am the hub of central command station here. Today Craig woke up very early in the morning and I heard him wretching in the bathroom, and he's been frequenting it the rest of the day and tonight as well. Then right as we were headed out the door to church I made the call to stay home because Chloe was crying over an ear ache in both ears and had a temp of 102.5 again. She got worse throughout the day, and I'm glad I stayed home so Craig could rest as well. But it really sucked because I missed church again, and this time I didn't even have time to call someone to sub for me, I just had to text a friend to take care of it for me, bless her, and I felt awful about it. Anyway, it's just happened a lo recently and it really weighed on me today. I shouldn't worry about this, but here I was so sure I was going to jump in and rescue all of Kingman in one fell swoop at our mere presence here, and in actuality I spent most Sundays worrying that people were going to think we were inactive (because truth be told, that's what I would think if I saw a new family move in and be there as inconsistently as we've been...which has been yet another lesson in not judging a book by its cover) As I went into the girls room, I peeked into Chloe's bunk bed and listened to her snoring peacefully away. I sat down on Odell's bedside and watched her little porcelain face in the dim hallway light as she breathed and slept. Without realizing it, I reached out my hand and held hers and tears started pouring out of my eyes. Would my kids ever grow up and know that I would sit and watch them sleep and be overflowing with love for them? Would they ever feel what I felt for them so clearly? Would they know that I loved and accepted them no matter what and would ALWAYS feel that way for them? As they slept on in their own worlds, it seemed too distant to think about, but then a thought read across my mind in that moment.
How I feel for them is how God feels for me, only so much more.
When my kids grow up and move away, even to other states, will I still love them? Of course! When they feel sad and lonely, will I still love them? Of course! When they don't clean their houses and stay in their pajamas all day and get absolutely nothing accomplished, will I still love them? OF COURSE! So why would I for a moment feel so distant from my Heavenly Father? I needed that reminder and that feeling in that moment, and I realized:
THAT is what makes me happy.
To have unconditional love from my Heavenly Father, whether I am under my giant cottonwoods in the backyard or in the litter box of Arizona (and for the record, I actually don't think Kingman is a litter box so much anymore, and have found myself wondering why the heck this down doesn't move forward and why more people don't live here, it's actually quite pleasant at times!). I don't need Colorado to be happy. It's nice to live there and be close to family, but that can't be my core, it won't last. It didn't last, obviously, and now I know why we are here.
I needed a new foundation. And thank goodness I have someone who loves me unconditionally to help me build it. I am not where I want to be yet, but I have hope and faith again, and I'm just going to wait until it comes, because I know it will.
PS- due April 9th, 2014!!