With a heavy heart

 

Dear Chloe,

This is one of my most favorite pictures of you. You look so happy and serene and at one with yourself. It makes me sad right now because I know right now that's not how you feel. I wish with all of my heart that I could take that away from you, that I could just sit you on my lap and hold your head to my chest and squeeze you until you felt my love warm you down to your bones and you'd never suffer again because of that love. I wish I could make everything magical and comfortable and wonderfully brilliant and colorful for you all the time. I wish I could put an iron case around your heart so no one could ever hurt you and that beautifully sensitive and careful spirit would never be damaged ever again. But I also know that I can't do this for you and it kills me. 

Tonight you came up to me, wringing your shirt in your fingers and tears were welling up in your eyes. You said, "Mom, can I talk to you for a second?" and I said yes, and you said, "Can I tell you something? There is something that's been bothering me at school, and that's why I don't want to go." I took your wringing hands into mine and looked you in the eyes and said, "Tell me what's up."

As the tears spilled over your cheeks, it was all I could do to keep myself from doing the same. I felt your hurt in the very center of my heart, because I knew exactly how it felt. I saw myself in you so clearly it stung like a knife.  Everything I promised myself you would never feel you were feeling right then, at least to a certain extent. You were lost. You felt alone. You felt hurt by others' actions. You missed home. You missed me at school. You missed Daddy at school. You missed Grandma, whose absence in your almost daily life I can only imagine would be so hard for a little girl who has such a great friendship with her. You missed your friends back home. You miss your teacher and your school. In our hurry to move to the next phase of our lives, I assumed the transition would not affect you as much as it has and I am sorry for that. I remember well how it feels to bottle things up and let them eat at you because you don't want anyone to know that you hurt. I should have been aware of that today as I saw you melt down over so many things, I should have taken care at my words when I told you not to be so sensitive. I was dead wrong. I'm so sorry. But I am glad you let it out, and you allowed yourself to hurt to me. You can ALWAYS cry to me, my arms will always be open to hold you forever.

As you sat in my arms and cried so bitterly, I also saw something so beautiful in you. For probably the first time in your life, and certainly not the last, you were starting to be polished a little bit. As much as I want to protect you from all pain so I will never see that bright and wonderful smile ever be tarnished again, I could never rob you of those experiences. It is that polishing that is going to make you shine so bright, so much brighter than you do now. I hate that it is starting already, I know I'm not ready for it either, but I also know that given everything, I would not take away the polishing I've had in my life either. It is what helped me turn to God, and if that's what this is preparing you for, it will be oh so worth it. This life is hard, and it gets so much harder, but we are not alone, and neither are you. You are never ever alone.

 

You have such a beautiful and wise spirit. I know you ache for home. I do too. We will do our best to make home wherever we are together, and as we strive to do this together, even when we are apart or away, we will be blessed with that spirit of togetherness. Our hearts will always be knit together as one when we knit them with our Heavenly Home as well. 

 I love you so much. You will be okay, and thank you for being my daughter. I wouldn't trade you for anything.

Catchup

Oh August has flown by!
First of all, here are my kids on the first day of school!

My crazies

Except school started like three weeks ago. They are at a school all the way across town next to Craig's work called Manzanita Elementary. It's HUGE. I guess I was just used to the schools I taught at and that Chloe went to school at, but here there are about 5 classes per grade level, and it's just giant! Plus they won't let you walk your kids to their class after the first few days, they just have to figure out on their own where to go, that made me super nervous, but lo and behold, they figured it out and now don't have an issue with it. Linus is learning so much and I love to hear him tell me the things he absorbs at school, which is everything. I think all kids eventually break through a barrier when they go from sounding words out and stopping their way through a story to actually reading, and Chloe magically broke through the barrier. Well, it's just the first few weeks, but she's impressed me with her reading scores so far, hopefully it sticks! Odell tells me she misses Chloe and Linus all day, and frequently asks when we can go get them, but I think she also very much enjoys being my center of attention for the majority of the day. I don't mind it so much. :-)

We also found a friend on our back wall a couple of weeks ago. The kids affectionately named him Jack.

By affectionate, I mean progressively so. When Craig brought him inside the house in the jar, he had it behind his back. Chloe innocently meandered over and asked him what he had, and when this monstrosity was revealed, she shrieked and screamed and scrambled like a madwoman onto her bed and forcefully insisted that Craig take it OUT of the house from her room. We both went in and explained that tarantulas are relatively harmless, not to mention this one was in a jar and could not hurt her. Minutes later she broke herself away from her bed and blanky and was tapping the glass to get a closer look at him. Craig wanted to keep him, but when he managed to crawl to the top of the jar, when we previously thought he couldn't, precariously close to the LARGE holes Craig had stabbed through a paper towel at the top of the mouth, I said, NOPE, Jack's got a family to go home to, let's make that happen!. Craig let him go on the way to church the next morning. He was so large we could see him still sitting on the rock he was emptied onto on the way home hours later. I'm sure he was just waving goodbye.

And Odell turned 3!!

She loves her new Merida toys

And her towel finally from Grandma!!

I attempted to use cookie cutters to make small cakes. Didn't turn out how I planned, but she LOVED the princess theme.

This weekend we are getting together with some family and barbequeing it up for Labor day weekend! So excited to have a break. See you in another month probably. :-)

We're here!

Ohhhh gracious me!
We're alive!

 
A friend back in Windsor told me that she read a study once that said that moving is akin in stress levels to death and divorce. I believe it. It's not so much that I was fretting and worrying so much as just the endless work involved. But thanks to my WONDERFUL parents and in-laws and all their help in various ways, not to mention the help of everyone who watched kids, brought cupcakes, cleaned our house, or came over for a visit and ended up packing up endless boxes, we made it all here in once piece. And here is our house!
 

Backyard

Guest bathroom (awaiting a towel rack presently...)

Backyard again- we are right on the edge of town and the mountains and desert and mountains are a block away from us, sunsets are gorgeous at night...)

Garage is a room with a partition- we'll probably change it eventually but for now it's staying how it is)

Back living room

Master Bath (shower around the corner)

Girls' room

Linus' room- with a blanket tacked to the wall until I can make curtains as he's an early riser...

Front living room (yay we got the piano here!!)

Laundry

Dining area

Kitchen

Girls' nook

 

 

 

Master Bedroom

The kids have taken everything amazingly well. Not perfect, but much better than I thought it would be. There is not as much outside space as there was in Colorado, they don't have neighborhood friends as of yet, and it's much hotter outside here than there, so the first week I had a hard time keeping them occupied. All of a sudden, however, they seemed to have remembered that they are indeed actually friends with each other and have sort of forgotten that I exist and go off in their own spaces making messes, saving the world, fighting bad guys, playing games, coloring for hours, and being kids. It's been wonderful. I'm so glad they had friends in Colorado, but honestly I worried a lot about them being all over the two open yards in Windsor- I worried that they would be somewhere and get picked up by someone and I wouldn't even know, I worried about Linus getting along with the neighbor kids who he'd have problems with frequently (as they were girls and generally had a hard time including him in things when playing with Chloe), I only let Odell outside when I was able to watch her out there myself, I worried when they came in the house and certain of the kids in our neighborhood had told them things they were insisting to me on a daily basis were fact and I worried what other habbits rubbed off on them. There was only one little girl of them that I really was encouraging a friendship with- the other kids were nice enough, but they came from hard homes and I always let them play in our yard, but did not let my kids go over to theirs. They didn't understand that. Anyway- Odell is playing happily in our enclosed yard by herself and I can see her perfectly through my window as I type. Chloe and Linus are rolling on the floor laughing playing a card game together in the next room. I feel reeled in and comfortable. I feel happy.
In the meantime we are making friends in our ward at church. Last weekend Craig got pulled out of Sunday School, offered and accepted a calling, and was sustained in Elders Quorum before I even knew he had a calling (Elder's Quorum Secretary). I am occupied continuing to upack a few boxes here and there, working on my photography, pinning a bunch of projects on pinterest I will hopefully get to around the house, making meals, cleaning, reading books with the kids, cleaning some more, and so on.
In the meantime, making a trip to see some family very near and dear to my heart next week and getting ready to celebrate a certain almost 3 year olds' birthday in a couple of weeks. Stay tuned...

I've eaten entirely too much ice cream...

SO:
Quick recap since mother's day.
Craig applied for a job. Craig got interviewed for a job. Craig got offered the job. Craig accepted the job. Chelsea picked out a house.
We're moving to Kingman, AZ in less than two weeks!
In the meantime, I have a couple of thoughts on my mind. First and foremost, being without a husband for an extended period of time really sucks. Four weeks total, it's not even over yet, and I'm bonkers. You might think it would be because I'm taking care of the kids, the house, the food, everything on my own, PLUS packing an entire house before he gets back. That would be the logical reason to go bonkers, but no. The reason that this really sucks is because I miss Craig. It didn't occur to me how much our relationship doesn't depend on the daily routine until he was gone. It doesn't function because we have kids or because we have work or because we have jobs or because we have to work together to maintain a sane household- it depends on us seeing each other physically every day. It depends on pillow talk. It depends on hugs when you feel exhausted. It depends on laughing with someone else when the kids are all crying at the same time. It depends on hand holding and watching movies together and reading scriptures together and sharing our goals and thoughts and advice and opinions and expressions of love. And it really sucks being apart. REALLY SUCKS. Just to reiterate that again.
But, I am excited. We have a house under contract that we love. Craig is getting us a nice fridge. We're deciding on a new couch. I have grand plans to repaint and update about all of our furniture. We're struggling...and by "we", I mean "I", I am struggling to decide what to do with our piano. My mom gave it to me, it has a lot of sentimental value. It's gorgeous. I play it all the time. And it will cost a lot more money than we are willing to pay to move it. But I'm scared to death to risk moving it by ourselves. So we'll figure that out. I met some people in Kingman, I went to church there, I feel good about it, and even though it's difficult to be away, I know Craig does too.
Guess that's all that matters, and I will trust the feelings that I've had about being there. It will be good for us.

Pre-Mother's Day thoughts

I don't have any pictures because I haven't taken any yet. I keep meaning to, and then I don't think about it, I'll have to take some today!
Craig and I are in Kingman, Arizona this weekend. Craig is being interviewed for a job position with the Kingman Rec Department. More on that later, his interview is in about an hour...
For now I wanted to write a few things I was feeling yesterday while we were at church. Craig and I flew into Vegas late Saturday night after a long day of soccer games and packing. We spent the night in Henderson nearby because it was cheaper (had to laugh at the number of people in the airport and on the plane conversing with us excitedly about what our Vegas plans were and our "boring" responses- for this Mormon couple, there really isn't a whole lot about the city life there that would appeal to us, the lights were pretty amazing, though!), and in the morning decided to pick a ward to go to (from the FOUR STAKES worth of wards available to chose from just in Henderson...) for church. I was excited to go through a church sacrament service just me and my hubby and enjoy the meeting quietly with him.
However I quickly realized that quiet was just about the last thing I actually wanted once we got there, and it completely took me off guard. My heart ached through the whole thing and I couldn't help but be entirely focused on the other moms in the chapel with their small ones through the whole meeting. Each week at church at home I feel so frazzled at the end of the hour when we've "battled" through the talks and there are crayons spewed across several rows of pews, ripped pages from hymn books from babies, and crushed goldfish in the carpets while people in rows around us congratulate each other on who won the bet for which of our kids got taken out of sacrament meeting the most. Or at least that's what it feels like some weeks. :-) But yesterday my arms felt weird and heavy, and I felt awkward knowing where to put them and what to do with them. My lap felt empty and useless. I managed to stay completely modest the whole hour because there were no little ones stepping and pulling on my shirt and skirt in weird angles. I got to wear a necklace and there was no slobber on it or broken strings and beads all over the floor. And I realized something with a start. I actually missed the chaos. And I realized that these last few years I've been telling myself that no one actually misses it when it's over, they just forget the bad parts and remember the good ones, I was fooling myself. I actually do need to "cherish those moments". The teenage years are going to come all too quickly, and while I look forward to the friendships I (hope) will develop with my kids at that age, I will miss the friendship I have with them now.
I will miss it when Chloe is so upset because of something Linus or Odell got that she didn't and all she wants to do is pout and curl up on my lap for comfort. I will miss the small success I feel when I've been able to divert a volcanic explosion from Linus with a hug or an offer to draw him yet another picture of him riding a dragon that he can color. I will miss Odell laughing manically when I try to get her to sit down instead of stand up on my lap and yell to everyone around us across the chapel. I will miss when I am up singing with the choir and the three of them are sitting on Daddy's lap waving frantically to me and the large smiles they have on their faces when I wave discreetly back. And I will miss giving them hugs and sending them off to primary and nursery to learn about all the things that will make them good and honest and happy people the rest of their lives. 
It's a special privilege to be a mother of small children. While I shed many tears of worry over them now, I also know that those tears probably won't go away for a long time, and there have and will be many more moments where those tears will be tears of joy and happiness. And as a mother and a parent, those tears are sacred and special and I am so glad I have the opportunity to have them.
I love you, Chloe, Linus, and Odell, with all of my heart. And I promise to cherish a little more and wish away a little less from here on out.

Snow Globes (Linus Part II)

Good news!
Everything I'm reading in this book about Linus I've found I've already intuitively been incorporating into Linus' routines every day here and there, and now all I need to do is solidify my plan to do it all the time and stick to it to see if it works. The other good news is that I'm fairly sure the progress he has made is because of the things I've already been doing. I'm excited and happy and love my little boy all the more for it.
The best way to describe him is like this: most kids are looking through the world through different lenses and things get more clear and in focus as they get older- they understand things, they no longer need that lens and move on to something new. Linus is not looking through a lens, but a snow globe.  He looks through it all day and when he's able to decipher what it is he wants while looking through it, he understands things and he cooperates and he's not a problem. Occasionally, though, he can't figure it out and so he moves the snow globe around (representing getting frustrated) thinking it will help, and a snow globe is all he's got so it's all he knows how to see through. Well suddenly the little flecks of snow in the water get jostled and it's harder to see. So he shakes it more and it erupts into a giant flurry and suddenly whatever he was looking at through the glass is completely smothered and he keeps shaking it and shaking it because he wants to see what everyone else is seeing on the other side. Eventually he stops and things calm down and he realizes that he shouldn't have shaken it and that it's a lot easier to see without all the snow (frustration and inflexibility) floating around. Then something new happens and everyone else picks up their lens to decipher it and he picks up his snow globe again. And the process repeats itself. So now MY job is to help him hold the snow globe so he can see what he wants on the other side for him. I hold it, he looks through it, we work together. Someday, he will put the snow globe down and pick something else up, but for right now, he needs to be walked through it.
Right now, what both Craig and I need to full acknowledge and accept is that what works for most kids will not work for him. Being firm and giving consequences when Chloe does something we don't want her to do works for her, she stops the undesirable behavior and she is able to cope with it. For right now, really evaluating what things he needs to change and what things are too picky is essential. For example:
Chloe: Mom, can I sit in your chair this morning for breakfast?
Me: Not today, Chloe, it's easier for me if you sit over there for right now so you can finish breakfast quickly and we can get to school on time, okay?
Chloe: But MOM!! I really don't want to sit in my seat today, I want to sit in YOURS!
Me: Chloe, if you can't listen to Mommy, I will have to send you up to your room and then you'll have even less time to eat, is that what you want?
Chloe: No
Me: Then please do as Mommy asks and sit in your own chair.
Chloe: Okay

:::

Linus: Mom, can I sit in your chair this morning for breakfast?
Me: (evaluating the inconvenience of a slower breakfast eating against the possibility of a giant fit- I then ask myself which will take more time, a slow breakfast or calming down a volcanic eruption of a fit: slow breakfast wins) I think so, Linus, but I have a concern.
Linus: What?
Me: We need to get out the door quickly and I'm worried that if you sit in Mommy's chair, you will be distracted by your sister and the things on the counter behind you. How do you think we can solve this problem?
Linus:....I don't know.
Me: I have some ideas, can I share them with you?
Linus: Yep
Me: How about you can sit in Mommy's chair and I will set a timer. If you're not done with breakfast by the time the timer goes off, you move back to your chair so you can finish.
Linus: Okay

Fit avoided. In order for him to learn flexibility, I have to model it. The more I work through things with him and take the time and effort to do it, the more he'll realize that a snow globe is probably not the easiest way to see the world and he'll let go of it. Eventually. It's a life changing sort of thing.
But I'm accepting it right now. If it backfires on me and doesn't work, we'll try something else. But point being I think he'll be okay in the end. And if I have to learn a bunch more patience for that to happen, I suppose that will be okay. :-)

Blowing the top

I've started about ten different posts concerning Linus that I've never finished because they always end up sounding so negative, but today is the day I'm going to put this out there.
Linus has a problem. I think I can officially say that it's not just his age, it's not just when he's tired, it's not just when he's hungry, it's not because he ate red food die today, it's not because he had too much sugar, he has something that I'm fairly certain he has absolutely no control over. Yes, he is maturing a little bit as time goes by, but in my opinion, not enough.
Am I exasperated? Of course I am. We have an insanely busy schedule, and while I don't necessarily feel like I can't handle his fits anymore, I do wish that I could spend more time helping him and that I had a little more cushion room when he has a problem and I can't give him the time that he would otherwise need to overcome his issues without throwing an explosive tantrum.
I was referred to a book, recently, called "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene. I was going to check it out from the library, but kept not finding the time to get over there, so I finally felt prompted to go ahead and buy it on my Kindle. Within minutes of reading it, I was in tears because it describes Linus to a T. I have never gotten him looked at, mostly because I don't feel like he fit  any of the typical diagnoses for his symptoms. He had all the negative parts of everything without anything else and I was afraid that a therapist would look at him and use those symptoms to diagnose him something as a best guess. This book describes kids who have a "learning gap" with anger, frustration, and flexibility, much like a child might have a learning gap in reading or math. Some of the kids he describes are much older and much worse than Linus, but the same basic principles he's dealing with apply. Inability to change quickly, inability to stop a tantrum once it starts (like it ALWAYS goes 0 to a 100 in two seconds flat with no brakes every time), taking out his feelings by hitting, screaming, and destroying anything in sight, including some of his favorite toys sometimes he's so mad, then a short time later completely calm again and remorseful, like he just didn't know why it came over him. I've been really strict with a sticker chart for good behavior and a list of clear consequences for specific bad behaviors we've been doing the last couple of weeks. While the sticker charts have helped motivate him to do things like cleaning his room or picking up toys more frequently (but honestly, he's always been better than doing things like that than Chloe), it hasn't changed the things I want it to change one bit. I go through anywhere from 3-10 giant tantrums in a day, and there's no real rhyme or reason to how to get them to stop. However, there are some "triggers" that pretty consistently set him off, so now I am on a mission to research and record what sets him off more than others, keep track of it, and then study what paths I can take to help him overcome it. I basically have to teach him the skill of flexibility and frustration control: something that most kids learn without instruction, but just as you would intervene and help a child with their gaps at school, I must do this for Linus and his emotions. He's already motivated to do good, he wants to be a good boy, I have no doubt about that, he physically cannot control it sometimes, so I get to help him learn how to do that.
At least that's what I'm going to try to do and see how that helps. We may or may not have a lot of changes coming up if Craig gets a new job somewhere, and I want to get a better handle on him and at the very least, find something that will start helping him. Move in the right direction.
And although it's been hard, I wouldn't trade him for the world. I am mostly opposed to medicating him because I would not want to sacrifice his interesting and wonderful personality for his less desirable qualities. He is a smart and determined kid and I know he really is going to move mountains someday. Thankfully I'm blessed with that knowledge because I'm a mom. :-)